Monday, November 29, 2004

Life Lessons From "Friday the 13th, Part 2"

1. If you have to swim at night, swim naked.

2. Good people die horribly.

3. Drunk people often survive, as do dogs.

4. Sex leads to death.

5. People in wheelchairs, though nice, are easy targets.

6. Girls seldom wear underwear in life-threatening situations.

7. A chainsaw, machete and pitchfork aren't enough to stop a killer who really wants to kill.

8. Jason, inexplicably, really wants to kill.

9. If you're having car trouble, don't expect your car to start working when you need to leave in a hurry.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Review: "Sideways"

Sideways
Starring Paul Giamatti, Thomas Haden Church, Virginia Madsen, Sandra Oh
Written by Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor
Directed by Alexander Payne

4 stars (out of 4)

“I’m a fingerprint on the window of a skyscraper,” Miles (Paul Giamatti) says to Jack (Thomas Haden Church) at one his many low moments throughout Alexander Payne’s touching and hilarious new film, Sideways. Based on the novel by Rex Pickett, optioned even before its literary debut, Sideways manages to convey a sense of hope about life without turning self-delusional or falsely sentimental.

Miles is constantly depressed about his abilities as a writer and his inability to turn pro and quit teaching middle school English, is on several different prescriptions, and still bleeding from his recent divorce. But his wedding present to Jack, a week-long trip through wine country, lets Miles’ inner pedantic oenophile shine through, and Jack is loyal enough to let him. Jack has his own plans: get laid one last time before marriage. Charming.

Out in Buellton, Ca., they meet Maya (Virginia Madsen), a waitress Miles knows and desires from (of course) afar, and Stephanie (Sandra Oh), a lustful wine store worker who immediately begins a passionate relationship with Jack. The film charts the inevitable implosion of Jack and Stephanie’s tryst, its impact on Miles and Maya’s fledgling romance, and whether Miles will actually begin to live.
Payne brings the broad yet acutely defined sense of humor that made Election and About Schmidt so memorable, but Miles isn’t just a character to watch or study; we want him to be okay because we know him, we are him, every one of us. He’s still reeling from the pain of a two-year-old divorce, fanatic about wine but subject to its dark effects, too sheepish to ask his mother for money so he steals it from her sock drawer: these aren’t the suave traits of a smooth operator, but the all-too-real sins to which we all fall prey.

It’s a familiar tale, at its heart: two friends, one sad and full of self-doubt, the other cocky and playful. The loyal sidekick makes us laugh, but he’s static, immutable: he might see the error of his ways, but it’s not enough to make him change. Our hero, though, our sad and broken wanderer, is the one who’s going to actually move through the story arc, progressing from pain to exhaustion to exploration to confidence to redemption. See Swingers, The Shawshank Redemption, Good Will Hunting, and countless others for more evidence and different takes on the same story. It all starts with a challenge and ends with a chance. It doesn’t even matter if the chance bears favorably out; it was still a chance taken.

A longtime character actor finally having his well deserved day in the sun, Giamatti shines brighter here than he did in American Splendor (2003); his wounded and complex Miles deserves Oscar recognition. Thomas Haden Church comes seemingly out of nowhere to deliver a fascinating and enjoyable turn as the annoying but faithful friend that Miles stumbles across in the dorm.

Sideways is a breath of fresh air (or a draught of a classic pinot, if that does you better) in a long, hard year with almost no memorable films to show for it. The fall and winter look bleak; even films from old school heavyweights like Martin Scorsese and Oliver Stone look to be nothing more than bloated epics far inferior to the stories they were telling at their peaks. Additionally, most movies are marketed to teens or families (like Disney’s touting National Treasure as “edgier family fare”). No one seems to want to make smart movies anymore. Films like Sideways, about realistic, enjoyable, screwed-up, irritating, flawed and yearning men and women are being drowned out by pirate movies.

The smartest, funniest comedy of the year, Sideways is a welcome standout in an era of bland entertainment and a welcome reminder that grownups like movies, too.

A List Of Modified Expletives, Inspired By The Country's Moral Leaders, I Find Myself Having To Use Around The Office To Avoid A Harassment Suit

What the Cheney?

Cheneyhead

Cheney you (similarly, Cheney your mother, etc.)

Go Cheney yourself

Cheneying (e.g., this sandwich is Cheneying tasty)

ClusterCheney

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Here At The Bravo Network, We Will No Longer Pretend To Hold To Our Former Standards Of Quality; Now, Please Enjoy Jamie Foxx

The Bravo Network, owned by NBC, has billed itself from inception as "the film and arts network." The station aired a variety of independent/award-winning films, Cirque du Soleil specials, and the like, but its anchor was Inside the Actors' Studio, with your host, the genuinely creepy and obviously failed actor, James Lipton. And Lipton's show, despite his stalker-does-his-homework interview style, was often entertaining and extremely informative. Famous, talented actors and actresses told him about their acting educations, favorite curse word, and took questions from an auditorium of students it's pretty clear will never be as famous or talented as the guest from whom they seek so much attention and validation. The show had its moments. Once the prime example typical Bravo fare, Inside the Actors' Studio is now the last bastion of a higher-aimed level of programming.

At least, it used to be.

Former guests included Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep, Johnny Depp, and others. This season? How about Jamie Foxx, known until this fall as "the other guy from Booty Call" and now receiving too much praise for just one film (Ray). How about Jennifer Lopez, who made a string of bad movies (except for Out of Sight, the exception that proves the rule) before deciding to make a string of bad records. How about Colin Farrell, whose only good film (Tigerland) is the one nobody's seen?

How desperate is James Lipton for guests? Could no one be found with any actual talent?

So I'm here to offer my services, Jimbo. I have an education, a suit, and a favorite expletive. I'm personable. I clean up well. I've never been cast as a "playa" in anything. I could give those kids who actually think they'll make it as actors advice about why they'll never make it as actors. Just think about it, is all I'm asking.

After all, you're bound to wound up down on my level any day now.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Rejected Children's Poems

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
But not as sweet as death's final release.

Roses are red,
And pleasant to smell,
No matter your troubles,
Life can always get worse.

Roses are red,
Sunflowers golden,
Whenever you're lonely,
Don't forget Daddy drinks because you're bad.

Roses are red,
With thorns that are sharp,
It's a beautiful world,
But you'll probably fail at everything you try to do.

Roses are red,
The prettiest flower,
They help us to see
That a woman will break your heart with a big smile on her face, that whore.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
But even nice people get cancer.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

A Volume of Workplace Haiku

sea of cubicles
gray walls make for poor neighbors
i need a window

last year at this time
i still had a social life
how did i get here

not a lot to do
other than try not to fall
asleep where i sit

coffee here is free
so are pens and legal pads
like that really helps

twenty-two years old
i'm the youngest one around
and yet, still balding

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Living With An Objectivist: Lessons In Patience And Depression

One of my roommates is an Objectivist. The philosophy, set forth by Ayn Rand, states that man's highest goal is rational self-interest; sacrificing yourself for someone else or letting them sacrifice their selves for you is horribly wrong. Possessions go to those who have worked for them, who deserve them. By this reasoning Robin Hood was doubly evil because he (1) stole from the rich who had earned their wealth and (2) redistributed it to the poor who had not.

Why, yes, my roommate is a registered Republican. Why do you ask?

But here's the rub: my roommate is also a Christian. Granted, a kind of snooty one with a penchant for wine and sushi, but a self-professed Christian nonetheless. He claims to be a member of a denomination based on service to the poor, charity for the needy and a desire to unite all classes.

However, from the way he usually speaks and acts, I'd guess my roommate has a fundamental problem with the last being made first and the first being made last. How can he subscribe to a philosophy that encourages accumulation of material wealth and a religion that encourages you to give it all away? How can he sing these hymns on Sunday and on Monday express disdain for giving out money to a homeless beggar?

If anybody knows how I can get this little pissant to stop living such a gleefully hypocritical life, I'm open to suggestions. And don't say, "Set his bedroom on fire," because that didn't work.