Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Good Guys And The Bad Guys, They Never Work Past Noon Around Here

I got this image from a friend:

Breakfast Tacos

There are several reasons I like the shot, not the least of which is the equating of Mexican food with a gift from the Almighty, but the main one is this:

Breakfast tacos.

In the distant lands west of Texas, where people live openly in sin by cohabitating outside of marriage or voting Democrat, they commit a crime that even I find unforgivable: they use the term "breakfast burrito" to refer to any early-morning food involving a combination of eggs, bacon, potatos or cheese wrapped in a tortilla. This, I tell them, is a breakfast taco. At this point they usually cock their heads and look at me as if I'd told them I'd discovered the secret to time travel. "You mean, with a crunchy shell?" they ask. "No," I patiently respond. "It's a tortilla with bacon and eggs or whatever inside." "Oh," they say, smiling, "you mean a breakfast burrito."

And I try to explain to them that it's called a breakfast taco, as any one of the visitors to the Cowboy Breakfast could tell you. Or I want to take them for a breakfast taco at Abundio's, a small place where most of the employees don't speak English. I have fond memories of cutting class senior year of high school and eating here.

But I know it's a losing battle, and it's not worth getting that worked up about. Things there and things here are different, and that's the way it goes. On the whole, I still say I came out a little ahead, even if no one here knows what I mean when I say things like "I ate the Macho at Chris Madrid's." Oh well.

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Ivy On The Wall Is Fake

She teaches at Harvard, and she based some of her research (and fairly self-evident conclusions) on playing the Hollywood Stock Exchange. I've been playing the HSX for a year or so, and I check it everyday.

Harvard, you know where to reach me.

The Engine Turns On A Dime, But I Ain't Goin' Nowhere Tonight

Great news:

Here

and

here.

[And, as always, good to check in here.]

Soy Un Cacahuete

In a sad turn of events, a young girl has died from an allergic reaction to kissing her boyfriend. Peanuts were deadly to the girl, and her boyfriend had just eaten a peant-based snack.

In his defense, her boyfriend, Mr. Peanut, said she asked for it. "She loved going further and further, physically, you know?" the Planters spokesman explained to a press conference with a tremble in his voice, the salt on his skin quickly wicking away his lonely tears. "She always said she'd know when she got too close to the edge, that she'd know when to stop. She liked it when I called her 'choosy mom' while we were, you know..." Consumed with grief and empty calories, he promptly threw himself onto the light stand of a local TV crew. Attempts to quell the minor blaze or rescue Mr. Peanut were slowed when members of the press corps, who hadn't eaten in a while, began to devour his roasted body.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

This Just In (Kind Of)

All those classic cars can't help Mr. Miyagi now:

The old guy's gone.

Doctors at the scene tried that clap and massage thing that pulled Daniel-san back from the edge, but to no avail. The master would crane kick no more.

Ralph Macchio and Elisabeth Shue better be at that funeral. And Al Molinaro, too.



Additionally, a Texas woman was mauled to death by half a dozen dogs over the weekend. Wal-Mart has apologized for the store's contributory negligence, and has since removed all bacon-based underwear and other meat-fabricated garments from its shelves.

"They were a good bargain while they lasted," said a company spokesman. "Is it food? Is it clothes? It's both. That's the kind of forward thinking we encourage here at Wal-Mart."



[UPDATE 12/1]
Not to be outdone by a pack of dogs, a British coalition of squirrels has banded together to fight back.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Is verbal abuse losing its punch this holiday season? Looking for another way to punish your kids? Well, look no further.

Clickety-click, folks.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Rollin' Out Past El Paso, Texas, Where I Might Have Had A Home

It's too big to post here, so I'll just link to it:

Click here for a photo from the Old 97's show.

The grainy, blurry, digital photo cannot possibly convey how Ken Bethea bled all over the frets on lead, Philip Peeples punished the drums with the sound of Heaven's own thunder, Murry Hammond wore his bass high like a rifle and Rhett Miller roiled around the stage like holy lightning. So, if you haven't seen them yourself, or if you are living in a darkened world because you have not yet seen the light, you'll just have to make do with the picture.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I don't know why, but this made my day. Seriously.




You Are Mexican Food



Spicy yet dependable.

You pull punches, but people still love you.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Clickety-click, folks:

That boy rides a broom. Crazy.

[Update: Before the film, I saw the teaser for Superman Returns, which looks significantly better than the original films. I know that the original still holds a place in people's hearts, despite being cartoony, stupid, and dumb enough to have Margot Kidder's voice-over love poem as she flies through the air. But I don't care. The original films ranged from fair to awful, and this new one just might redeem the whole thing.]

Thursday, November 17, 2005

i've got a landmine in my bloodline
i'm not immune to gettin' blown apart
she's like a claymore, that's what she's there for
just waitin' around here to get blown apart

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Review: Jarhead

Jarhead
Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard, Jamie Foxx
Directed by Sam Mendes


"Some wars are unavoidable and need well be fought, but this doesn’t erase warfare’s waste. Sorry, we must say to the mothers whose sons will die horribly. This will never end. Sorry."
— Anthony Swofford


There are two fundamental truths about war movies. The first is that they’re rarely about the war depicted in the story. Filmmakers tell stories about a specific war because it’s easier that way to tell stories about war itself, or about other, more current, battles. After all, no really thinks M*A*S*H is about Korea, and for all it’s bench-setting regarding the tone of war stories the past few years, even Saving Private Ryan was more about the pain of fighting than the places they fought. This brings us to the second truth, which is really more of a question: Are war movies ever about war at all? Sometimes.

The best war movies are anti-war movies, its true, because the best war movies are really about the people involved, and about the families they create in the middle of death in hopes of hanging onto some semblance of the people they used to be, before they had to worry about everything from mustard gas to IEDs. The war is the story’s catalyst, not its heart.

Sam Mendes’ Jarhead dips its feet in both streams. It's a movie about a war and a story about the burned-out young men who went there. Some critics have decried the story, based on the memoir of the same name by Anthony Swofford, a lance corporal in the Marines’ scout/sniper platoon, of being ambivalent about the conflict portrayed in the film, Operations Desert Shield and Storm, and about the importance of Gulf War I as the sequel begins to head even further south. But "ambivalence" isn’t really accurate; a better term would be "dichotomy." It's a thin, gray line to be sure, but a necessary one. The former implies an apathy toward the situation, a lack of commitment to an opinion or course of action, but the latter paints a clearer picture of just what these soldiers, many barely 20 years old, went through: a simultaneous hatred of the war and a desire to viciously kill the enemy; of a need to escape and the want to keep fighting; of a prayer for their impossible salvation and a praise for their inevitable damnation.

Swofford's memoir is a powerful one, about a smart and conflicted young man, and could only have come from someone so genuinely torn (Swof, as his fellow soldiers call him, could often be found reading Camus while his fellow Marines swapped skin mags). Played by Jake Gyllenhaal, Swofford is a mess of confused emotions, like that proverbial bowl of fishhooks, a young man who wants to kill and is terrified of being in the Desert. In other words, the ideal 20-year-old.

After joining up with the Surveillance and Target Acquisition (STA) Platoon to become a sniper, Swofford becomes hooked on the idea of raining down the sniper’s death from afar on unsuspecting Iraqis. Saddam Hussein's invasion of Kuwait triggers the Marines' trip to the Gulf, and it’s in the prolonged second act that Mendes' film turns from one of eager young fighters into a story of reluctant killers, frightened of the bloodlust they feel but unable and, more important, unwilling to do anything to curb it.

Because this is the sick irony of Swofford’s story: After they arrive in the Desert, he and his comrades do nothing but train for months. Stranded in the sand for weeks with nothing to shoot at and no one to fight, Swofford begins to slip toward the edge of sanity faster than you can say "Bruce Dern at the end of Coming Home."

But this just comes with the territory when you’re a man among men. Mendes’ film does a good job capturing the latent homoerotic undertones that seem to find their way into everything from the armed forces to organized athletics to fraternity pledging (trust me). In an attempt to embarrass their leader, Staff Sgt. Sykes (Jamie Foxx), when their platoon is being interviewed by a New York Times reporter, the men all dogpile after a football game. After Swofford sounds the call, they begin to half disrobe and mimic a wide variety of sexual positions and acts right there in the sand. Sykes quickly steers the reporter back to a Humvee, and though the soldiers are punished later for their foolishness, it’s obvious they don’t regret a moment of it. The truth of the matter is that men, when grouped, are capable of blinding stupidities, and Swofford is no different. "We created a circus," he says of the atmosphere among the men, "as if it would protect us. And we were insane to think that."

Before shipping out, the Marines watch the "Ride of the Valkyries" scene from Apocalypse Now, cheering and screaming in ecstasy as Vietnamese villages are napalmed out of existence. It’s a fascinating scene, because Coppola’s near-perfect epic was edited by Walter Murch, who also edited Jarhead. Responsible for shaping one of the most powerful films to deal with the Vietnam war, he has now cut together an equally important story about the next generation of soldiers wherein they watch his earlier film. In an era where all fiction has become metafiction by default, it makes perfect sense. Their fathers’ war comes up again later: Upon hearing someone’s stereo blasting The Doors, Swofford complains, "This is Vietnam music. Can’t we have our own music?"

Finally, after four months of repetitive training, Swofford finally engages the enemy for a grand total of four days before the war ends. He and his comrades are robbed of the chance to kill anything, and their inability to consummate their bloodlust on the battlefield almost breaks them, and their impotence to do anything about their increasingly maddening situation shows up in an uncomfortable but stunning scene of sexual frustration involving Swof and a photo of his girlfriend. Forced to train with no goal, now forced to fight against an enemy that isn’t there. But this missed opportunity is a benefit in the long run. As bloodless as his war might have been, Swofford still never manages to leave it. As he writes in the book, "The most complex and dangerous conflicts, the most harrowing operations, and the most deadly wars, occur in the head."

Mendes and director of photography Roger Deakins capture the washed-out desert and soldiers in camo without sacrificing color. Indeed, there are some genuinely amazing shots here, beautiful ones, as when Swofford and crew are walking through burning Kuwaiti oil fields at night, and the fire and oil falling from the sky make it look as if they're slowly marching through their very own hell. Mendes also reteams here with composer Thomas Newman, who scored the director's phenomenal feature debut, American Beauty. Newman seemed to be a one-note music man a few years ago, copying his own breezy sound in Pay It Forward. But his score here is emotional without being overpowering, always using the sounds to complement the action, not subdue it. Gyllenhaal's performance is searing, and this could be the thing that deservingly catapults him from cult hero to the public eye. Jamie Foxx, solid enough but often overhyped, turns in a reliable performance, and Peter Sarsgaard does what he always does: work so well in the background that his fellow performers are elevated.

Ultimately, Jarhead isn't about the first Gulf War, or about Gulf War Redux. As Swof's fellow sniper Troy (Sarsgaard) says, "We've got a job to do"; politics barely enters into it. This may seem unthinkable to the current war’s gung-ho supporters or its most ardent opponents, but extremist politics rarely make it to the front line. Swofford wasn’t there because he loved the war; it's just what he did. The United States' obvious oil interests in the Middle East are mentioned several times to the men, but there's not much outrage expressed. It’s as good a reason for war as any, they reckon, if they bother to ask for a reason at all. The hell of it is, most don’t. They're made to kill, and they want a mission; when they’re given one, it’s not for their sins, but because they asked politely. Like I said, it's a dichotomy. And Mendes does a superb job of recording that. The men don't want to go, but they do; they don't want to die, but they will. And all we can do about it, all we can ever do about it, is hear one man's story.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Ten Movies You Should See, Pt. 6

As always, I recognize the inherent assumption in writing another one of these lists that I seem to have access to knowledge that others don't. But it turns out that I'm pretentious; at least, I was told I was, and I was given the quote at the very bottom of this page as proof. Now, I don't think I'm all that bad, or at least not the worst; my friends and I don't "sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, mispronouncing words like allegorical and didacticism." But like the man said, if you're gonna be viewed as pretentious no matter what, the least you can do is knock down a few bodies with it. So I've decided to use my flawed personality for the greater good: Here are another 10 titles that I feel are either underappreciated or unknown by more than a few members of my generation.

[See the first five lists.]

1. Blood Simple (1984)
2. The Fog of War (2003)
3. The Man with the Golden Arm (1955)
4. Straw Dogs (1971)
5. All the Real Girls (2003)
6. The Grifters (1990)
7. In the Bedroom (2001)
8. Dirty Pretty Things (2002)
9. Unfaithful (2002)
10. Paris, Texas (1984)

Friday, November 04, 2005

Clickety-click:

[Insert appropriate bird pun here.]

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Dear Mr. President,

Okay. This was bound to happen.

This is the third time I've applied for a job with your organization, sir, and I have to say, your rejections have left me feeling a little cold and unwanted. To wit, sir, I made you a mix tape and took you to Homecoming, and now we're out here on my cousin's boat and I can't close the deal.

I've asked politely. I've highlighted my skills, some obvious and some not so: good speller, solid worker, adequate dresser but willing to work on it. I thought for sure that, when your last candidate took her name out of the running, I might finally get my chance. After all, as I believe I pointed out, I possess the grammatical skill you seem to consider an important qualifier for the job. And, as far as I know, I've never done anything to inflame or anger one political extreme or the other. (Although I do have a strange affinity for the First Amendment and a disdainful lack of interest in the Second, so I guess we can see where this would lead.)

But it seems that you've decided once again to ignore the letters, resumes, and rocks through your window (sorry about that) and will be throwing your support behind someone else, and this guy seems to be a bit more of a lightning rod than, frankly, I would have been. It's a weird coincidence that this new nominee will draw a lot of fire from you; I guess you wanted someone who could really take one for the team.

So, for now at least, I think we need to go our separate ways, sir. We'll probably see each other again soon, and I know we'd both like that. But we've got this weird history now, and I know that if you wound up replacing me for Alito, or even just throwing me some Cabinet-level job I could do in my sleep, it'd still be weird seeing you and him around the mess. You'd hook him up with extra Jell-O, he'd read you the day's news and help you with the Jumble. He'd start to sit at our table, the one near the snack bar line, and, well, I think we can see where this would go. And the last thing I think we need is to make this awkward.

So have fun, sir. I hope this guy does you well. Actually, I hope he does the country well, which might not be the same thing. Keep your chin up, buddy; those polls are bound to rally any day now. Until that day, don't forget to maintain plausible deniability. And don't forget that Ford took a beating for giving Nixon a pass, so one of these days you'll probably have to stand up and take your medicine if you want to preserve your party.

Take care.

Sincerely,

Daniel Carlson

P.S. Call me? No pressure. --DC