Dear Mr. President,

Okay. This was bound to happen.

This is the third time I've applied for a job with your organization, sir, and I have to say, your rejections have left me feeling a little cold and unwanted. To wit, sir, I made you a mix tape and took you to Homecoming, and now we're out here on my cousin's boat and I can't close the deal.

I've asked politely. I've highlighted my skills, some obvious and some not so: good speller, solid worker, adequate dresser but willing to work on it. I thought for sure that, when your last candidate took her name out of the running, I might finally get my chance. After all, as I believe I pointed out, I possess the grammatical skill you seem to consider an important qualifier for the job. And, as far as I know, I've never done anything to inflame or anger one political extreme or the other. (Although I do have a strange affinity for the First Amendment and a disdainful lack of interest in the Second, so I guess we can see where this would lead.)

But it seems that you've decided once again to ignore the letters, resumes, and rocks through your window (sorry about that) and will be throwing your support behind someone else, and this guy seems to be a bit more of a lightning rod than, frankly, I would have been. It's a weird coincidence that this new nominee will draw a lot of fire from you; I guess you wanted someone who could really take one for the team.

So, for now at least, I think we need to go our separate ways, sir. We'll probably see each other again soon, and I know we'd both like that. But we've got this weird history now, and I know that if you wound up replacing me for Alito, or even just throwing me some Cabinet-level job I could do in my sleep, it'd still be weird seeing you and him around the mess. You'd hook him up with extra Jell-O, he'd read you the day's news and help you with the Jumble. He'd start to sit at our table, the one near the snack bar line, and, well, I think we can see where this would go. And the last thing I think we need is to make this awkward.

So have fun, sir. I hope this guy does you well. Actually, I hope he does the country well, which might not be the same thing. Keep your chin up, buddy; those polls are bound to rally any day now. Until that day, don't forget to maintain plausible deniability. And don't forget that Ford took a beating for giving Nixon a pass, so one of these days you'll probably have to stand up and take your medicine if you want to preserve your party.

Take care.

Sincerely,

Daniel Carlson

P.S. Call me? No pressure. --DC