Monday, October 31, 2005

My Favorite Friends Episodes

The One Where Ross Gets Chlamydia
In order to cheer him up after his latest failed relationship, Joey and Chandler take Ross for a night out that includes a hockey game, drinking, and an Asian brothel. When Ross goes to the hospital the next day to pick up his antibiotics, he runs into the prostitute he slept with the night before, and he invites her to get some coffee with the gang.

The One With All The Sophoclean Angst
Ross and Monica finally cave in to the sexual tension that's been plaguing them since the pilot episode when they sleep together at Phoebe's birthday party. Chandler's "Could you be any more incestuous?" line becomes an audience favorite. Ross contemplates gouging out his eyes and wandering the earth, but decides instead that everyone should act like the whole thing never happened.

The One Where Joey Becomes An Assassin
Stuck with few acting prospects and a growing stack of credit card bills, Joey contacts an extra he met on The Sopranos who's actually connected to organized crime. Joey becomes a low-level hitman and coke mule, ascending the ranks from button to lieutenant to made man in one of the show's most rewarding and gritty story arcs. Eventually, though, he gets out of the business by faking his own death, and blows all the money on an antique gumball machine, forcing him to return to his old job as waiter at the coffeehouse.

The One Where Rachel Becomes A Man
Apparently tired of waiting on her lobster to show up, Rachel opts for a sex change operation and a new way of life. She has the guys rent Dog Day Afternoon for inspiration, and the boys pull off the heist and get Rachel the money she needs for the procedure. She changes her name to Chad, and her character is played for the show's remaining four seasons by Angelina Jolie's brother.

The One With The Child Slavery Ring
When all her friends begin to have successful careers, Phoebe begins to feel despondent, as if she's wasted the past few years doing nothing but singing in the coffeehouse and working as a part-time masseuse. After she picks up a runaway in Central Park and manages to sell him for $1,000 plus a gift certificate at Target, Phoebe buys a windowless panel van and begins ferrying the city's homeless orphans to a shipping/distribution warehouse in the Village. Unfortunately, an NYPD task force swarms the building one day as part of a sting operation, and Phoebe is killed in the crossfire after fatally wounding three officers. No one speaks of her absence for the rest of the show's run.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Sunday Six

Six quick hits to kick off the week:

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

It's a bad movie. Anyone who likes it, or its predecessor, should be regarded with suspicion.

Just thought I'd warn you.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Thursday Three: "Texas Is Having A Rough Week" Edition

One (Good.)

Two (This restores my belief in theodicy.)

Three (I lack the energy and verbal skill to describe how much I don't care.)

[Related to the first item: This photo is amazing. Submissions are now being accepted to guess at just why the man on the right is making such a bizarre face. Possible ideas include "bone-deep fatigue" or "just soiled his pants."]

Interesting Excerpts From The Company-Wide Sexual Harassment E-Mail

"Most claims of sexual harassment are actually just whining from people who can't go with the flow."

"Exchanging sexual favors for increased job benefits isn't necessarily harassment. Check with HR."

"It's important to prevent workplace harassment. Women, you can take the first step in this area by maybe not dressing so hot, so your fine bodies don't distract the men from working."

"Sexual harassment is definitely illegal, but ethnic slurs are still a gray area."

"When did 'assistant' replace 'secretary'? That's just weird."

"Don't forget, there's a 24-hour hotline for legal advice: 1-800-GROW-UP. Ha ha, I'm just kidding. There is no hotline."

"Non-employees are legally exempt from our harassment policies. Basically, this means you need to avoid Luis, the parking attendant. Just a word of caution."

"Don't forget, fellas: Sometimes 'no' means 'yes.' "

Pickup Lines That Didn't Work

"It doesn't look that bad in the dark."

"Rashes aren't that contagious."

"Remember that Batman cartoon from middle school? That was cool."

"If, by 'work out often,' you mean 'mournfully reflect on the past,' then yeah, I do."

"Sometimes I call it 'my cycloptic colleague.' "

"It turns out that an indictment and a conviction aren't the same thing."

"If, by 'work out often,' you mean 'sketch in my dream journal,' then yeah, I do."

"My old roommate killed a cat once. Hung it in a tree. Yeah, he was from the country. Yeah, you're right, it's a weird story."

Notes From My Company's Health Benefits Meeting, 10.27.05

After the meeting, I sum up what I learned in less than 3 minutes for a coworker. The meeting itself lasted 70 minutes. What a way to start the day.

The woman running the meeting apologizes because she's never seen the PowerPoint presentation she's showing us. She says her company e-mailed it to her as she left her house this morning. Comforting. There's nothing you want to hear more from someone telling you about health insurance deductibles than "I don't know."

A few minutes into her spiel, she asks if there are any questions. Two people immediately speak up, and it's evident that they (1) weren't paying attention or (2) are clinically disabled. It's going to be a long meeting.

There are two kinds of people: those who ask constant, some might say needless, questions, and those who shut up and wait for the pertinent info. I found myself in the latter camp, a minority.

One guy, let's call him Julio, asks about employee discounts on cosmetic dermatology. This makes sense, because he could be the ugliest gay man I've ever seen. He looks like Michael Jackson and George Takei had a baby and then gave it up for adoption to a Korean nail salon.

One woman seems hell-bent on questioning everything. At every step. In every conversational break, or every time the speaker takes a breath. This makes us all uncomfortable.

I still feel far too young to have access to things like flexible spending accounts. I keep wondering if I can use it to buy a plasma TV, or fund a trip to Vegas some Wednesday at midnight.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Further news has developed on the penguin front. In a response to the conservative Christians using his documentary March of the Penguins as a morality tale and instrument for religious instruction, filmmaker Luc Jacquet has come out against them in a British newspaper. (We really should have seen this coming. After all, when was the last time American conservatives trusted the French?)

The documentary showed that penguins mate and raise a chick each year despite substantial hardships, including blizzards and lack of food. The adult penguins, once the chick has grown a little and its safety is its own concern, then leave, and will more than likely never see the chick again. The conservatives who latched onto the film as a model of family unity seemed to have missed this fact, so Jacquet reinforced it publicly.

“If you want an example of monogamy, penguins are not a good choice,” Jacquet said. “The divorce rate in emperor penguins is 80 to 90 percent each year. After they see the chick is OK, most of them divorce. They change every year.”

When news of the film's misinterpretation reached faith-based America, available religious leaders who weren't working on the dinosaurs-on-the-ark section of the Creation Museum promptly organized a multidenominational conference to discuss the matter. Jacquet's film has since been retitled Freedom March on all American prints. Responding to Jacquet's clearly hell-bound statements, Pennsylvania pastor Ray Mummert has this to say on behalf of his fair and balanced religion: "We've been attacked by the intelligent, educated segment of the culture." Truer words were never spoken, Ray. Keep up the good work.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

"Drugs are bad."
"Jenny eat something."

You know what I'm talking about.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Annual Check-Up

In order to fulfill the legal requirements of my gender and continue enjoying all the rights and benefits thereof, I am hereby required to reinforce my male status, the neglect of which could result in a temporary or permanent loss of aforementioned privileges:

baseball
football
fantasy team
I couldn't believe it
You can't script October
touchdown
points
cheerleaders
naked cheerleaders
draft

Thank you. That is all.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Run, Superman, run. That's a killer cloud behind you.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I barely know where to begin trying to describe the curious nature and depressing subtext of this item, so I guess I better shut up and let you try and figure it out:

Here it is.

The Thursday Three(s)

Things That Don't Suck About Texas:

One

Two

Three


Things That Kind Of Suck About L.A.:

One

Two

Three


Things That Don't Suck About L.A.:

One

Two

Three

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

"If, in 20 years, I have the same opinions as I do now, my life experiences and education will have meant nothing. But a steadfast judge is what Bush wants, one who won’t stray from his own ideology, even long after he’s gone."

Sunday, October 09, 2005

I normally don't make that many direct pleas on this forum, preferring to express myself through snarky open-letter complaints or shameless cries for validation. But I just have to take this opportunity and tell the seven people who regularly read this site (actually, six, I guess; it's probably not fair to count myself) that this film clip boasts action, humor, and a glimpse of a great story. So, that being said:

Please click here.

[Windows Media folks can click here.]

"And I firmly believe that whenever we exaggerate or demonize, or oversimplify or overstate our case, we lose. Whenever we dumb down the political debate, we lose. A polarized electorate that is turned off of politics, and easily dismisses both parties because of the nasty, dishonest tone of the debate, works perfectly well for those who seek to chip away at the very idea of government..."

Preach it, Barack.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

A double-shot weekend:

Clickety

and

click.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Thursday Three: "Things About Texas That Don't Suck" Edition

One

Two

Three

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Dear Mr. President,

It's come to my attention that you've got another spot open on the Supreme Court, and this time you've nominated Harriet Miers to the post. Well, I'd just like to take a few moments and tell you that I'm the man for the job, not Miers.

"Wait just a hog-jumpin' minute," you're probably thinking, "this sounds awful familiar." And it should. I actually applied for a job with your organization a few months ago, but I never heard back from you. It's okay that you went with another candidate, but really, would a call thanking me for my resume and application have been that hard?

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I feel like I've got a decent shot here, because whereas Wolfowitz had relevant experience (no matter his failures) to the then-available World Bank job, Harriet Miers and I share something big: neither of us has ever been a judge. Some critics, even ones from your own party, might say that you're nominating Miers has more to do with her loyalty, or cronyism, than any actual proven ability to lead. Pshaw and harrumph, I say! It's not like there's a rule stating that in order to get a job a candidate must demonstrate skill in the area which the job will cover. You made it all the way to the Oval Office (remember, an oval is almost like a circle, but it's not) based on that argument alone.

So what makes me think I've got the edge on Miers? I read in one of those crazy commie liberal rags the other day that as your staff secretary, Miers was "known to correct spelling, grammar and even punctuation errors in memos" to your office. I am currently a copy editor at an industry trade paper here in L.A., and I was a journalism major in college.

Do I have to spell it out for you? That is, do I have to spell it out for you more than I normally do?

You're looking for someone with an eye for grammar errors and an easy approach to work. I know that, even though John Roberts won a boatload of spelling bees as a child, I could take that guy to town. Besides, he'll be too busy acting as Chief Justice and wondering whether he should bring back those gold bars on his sleeves to help you out with your obvious linguistic needs.

Anyway, since Dick Cheney is probably reading this to you, I should wrap things up. Here's hoping you pick me, Mr. President. I know I'd do, if not a good job, then at least one that could keep up with your administration.

Sincerely,

Daniel Carlson

P.S. Is it okay to wear shorts under that black robe? I mean, I'll be sitting behind a bench all day, so really, who cares? Let's negotiate. --DC

Monday, October 03, 2005

A tribute to the power of editing.

and

In L.A., fruit that's accessible from a public area and can be picked without trespassing is, by law, public property. Grab a bag.