Some Ideas, Or Resolutions, To Be Carried Out In The New Year

1. Shave less. No one at work cares.

2. Stop washing my hands after I go to the bathroom. No one can tell. (Unless of course it's one of those disaster/emergency situations, in which case I'll be scrubbing thoroughly. Maybe.)

3. Kill co-worker Joyce, approx. 57(?), and quietly dispose of body beneath floor of cubicle. Refuse to acknowledge beating of subsequent tell-tale heart.

4. Go wild with credit card.

5. Arrange fictional death to solve problems caused by #4 above.

6. Punch the first person I hear talking during a movie. The rest of the audience will cower in silent fear.

7. Shoes with no socks: making a comeback.

8. Similarly, socks with no shoes: makes the office feel like home.

9. Bolster courage and ask boss, Jennifer, what's up with her extremely lazy/possibly genetically messed up right eye. (Pretty sure it's the right one. Hard to get direct look.)

10. Buy dog and let him crap anywhere, city ordinances be damned.

11. Assign unusual/slightly derogatory nicknames for colleagues: Ashes McGee, Betty Boozehound, etc. Refuse to acknowledge inevitable looks of confusion from targets of said mockery.

12. Refer to Orthodox co-worker Kyle's workspace as his "Jewbicle."

13. Ask HR to hire Jewish guy named Kyle so I can actually do #12 above.

14. Ask Mormon boss Scott what the "deal" is with his people.

15. Tell Scott the idea for #14 above came from annoying co-worker Amanda. Co-opt Amanda's nicer computer.

16. Go to the grocery store in my bathrobe. Alternately cite laziness or mental illness when asked by employees why I'm barely dressed. Propose marriage to donut rack if it looks like mental illness excuse isn't working.

17. Figure out some way to continue to mooch off parents and loved ones (possibly through sister as middleman).

18. Take up guitar "for the chicks"; abandon around March when I realize it isn't working.