A Continuing List Of Suggestions For Better Living, Or Resolutions, To Be Carried Out In The New Year

19. Stop drooling in my sleep. This will not help me with women, and in fact will probably wind up hurting my case.

20. Convince myself it's not gay to enjoy reality/fantasy programming commonly embraced by gay culture. Repeat mantra as necessary until all doubts are removed: notgaynotgaynotgaynotgaypleaselordineedawomannotgaynotgayboobsnotgay, etc.

21. Tell my roommate who owns a pipe and reads Ayn Rand he's a douchebag for owning a pipe and reading Ayn Rand.

22. Quit my job when I realize I liked being unemployed better. Work at local video store with expectations for life comfortably lowered.

23. Visit homes of everyone who's read The DaVinci Code. Kick them in the nuts. Move on.

24. Wear MC Hammer-esque parachute pants on casual Fridays. Turn stares of confusion into jealousy when I do the running man in my cube with far greater flexibility than denim allows.

25. Steal co-worker Joyce's office supplies and feign ignorance when interrogated about the crime. Continue until she attributes missing items to Alzheimer's. Return missing supplies. Repeat process until I am promoted or she quits.

26. Buy set of tools and workbench to feel like a real man. Cry myself to sleep when I realize it doesn't work.

27. Ignore voices in my head exhorting me to scourge myself with steel wool when I think Dirty Thoughts.

28. Teach myself to use restrooms at work. The 90-minute commute for the comfort of my own john is growing inconvenient.

29. Ignore #28 above. There's no place like home.