Dear Mr. President,

I was scanning the classified ads on craigslist the other day, something I do when I get bored at work, when I came across the post detailing the open position at the World Bank, specifically the head of said organization. I know you've nominated Paul Wolfowitz for the job, and even though you've announced this publicly, I still think I owe it to myself to try and persuade you to give me the job instead. Dream big, right?

Anyway, I think I'd be great at the job, just great. I've only had one real job since I graduated college, and while some may call that "lack of experience," I prefer to look at it more positively. Specifically, sir, I don't have any training built in that you need to eliminate. I won't insist on doing things my way because I don't have a way, and although I know that makes me sound just like Paulie, I think you'll find I can pull it off better. Heck, Wolfie might get confused in a board meeting and want to ask Rumsfeld if we can start bombing people, and that's no way to deal with your I.T. department. Those people need to be handled just right.

I'm also a good speller. There aren't any typos in this letter, and that's not because I used a computerized spell check; I'm just that good. Impressive, right?

Also: In response to questions from some genuinely puzzled reporters about the validity of your nominating P-Wolf, you responded, "I'd say he's a man with good experiences. He's helped manage a large organization. The World Bank's a large organization." Well, sir, did you know that I myself am no stranger to large organizations? I've waited tables, which requires remembering something like 12 drink orders at a time, and when you throw bread, chips and salsa into the mix, a weaker man might have buckled. But not me, sir. Plus, I went to college, and although your university is larger and more presitigious than mine, I was pretty sober for most of those 4 years, so we can call that a wash. I sometimes had to juggle three classes at once. Three. Think about that when you talk about dealing with "large organizations." Some of those classes were all the way across campus from one another.

I'm a pretty peaceful guy, too. I'd never do something as douchey as go to the mattresses with middle eastern extremists just because I couldn't remember who I was after in the first place. No, I stick to one thing at a time. Focus. Picked it up in college.

In summary, sir, I think I could do the job well, and I'd be honored if you'd consider me for the position. If not, that's fine, too. The Wolf was one of the architects of the invasion of Iraq that's consumed our economy and collective mind for the past 2 years, and that hasn't been too bad, right? He'll do well.

Hang in there, buddy. Just 3 more years.

You're The Craziest Texan I Know, And I Go To Church,

Your Faithful Job Applicant,

Daniel Carlson