This Morning's Junk Mail And My Natural Response
The actual text of the letter:
Assimblies Churches (AC)
Mount Zion House,7 Arlington Way,
London
EC1R 1XA
Dear Sir,
On behalf of the entire Church and board of trustee (Assemblies Church)
I bring you this good news. The church had fund it so difficult to locate you for this pressing issue via normal post but the letters returned undelivered until we tried your email address.
On behalf of our beloved Brother, Late Engr.Mark.N.Perez who passed on to glory on the 21ist of March 2004 after a brief illness. late Engr.Mark.N.Perez, until his death was a former managing director and pioneer staff of a giant construction company, he was a devout Christian and a dedicated member of our parish, he was a great philanthropist and this earned him a papal award during his life time He lived and worked here as a foreigner and requested before his death that he be buried here in his words" I regard here as my home and the people as my people" The good news here, is that he left a will in your name as a beneficiary to the bequest of the sum of US$3,000.000 [Three million dollars] in the codicil and last testament of the deceased.
Few minute before our brother slept in the Lord, he personally instructed me to contact you hence I am the presiding minister of the Church and see that his will is being executed accordingly by his attorney
NAME; cHARLES HICKS ESQ
E-mail;charleshicks@lawyer.com
He advised you use this money to support your Charity activities and help to the less privileged.
Be informed that we are not mixing words here!!! With acknowledgement of this letter and for reconfirm purpose, endeavor to send me your full names and contact address to verify with what we have here. This will enable his lawyer execute this will accordingly, for the release of these funds to you. Also, forward back alongside TO ME AND ALSO A COPY OF THIS MAIL May the good Lord be with you.
Congratulations!
Yours in His service
REV; David Duke
Email:davidduke77@yahoo.co.uk
My thoughts:
1. What is David Duke doing preaching at a church in London?
2. The letter was either written by (1) someone who doesn't speak English, (2) someone who does speak English but is technically retarded, or (3) someone who does speak English and also happens to be the world's most impulsive typist, forgoing any kind of spell-check or basic consideration for syntax in hopes of getting their message out as soon as possible.
3. There's no way they expect me to believe someone's name was actually "Engr.Mark.N.Perez."
4. Although I don't know any "Engr.Mark.N.Perez," which looks like the guy from Black Eyed Peas, he apparently left me some money upon his recent death.
5. The actual amount of money is uncertain, because although Duke, the letter's author and apparently as spiteful toward linguistics as he is toward minorities, parenthetically states the amount at "Three million dollars," he also uses the figure "US$3,000.000," which is only three thousand dollars. True, he might have meant that decimal to be a comma, but with a name like "Engr.Mark.N.Perez," you'd think my benefactor would have a grasp of elementary-level punctuation.
5. How can someone so obviously struggling to string words together know one like "codicil"?
6. Not that a lawyer who reverses the capitals in his name to produce "cHARLES HICKS ESQ" doesn't inspire trust, but it seems unlikely that any attorney, no matter how hip-hop the name, would have an e-mail address that ends in "lawyer.com."
7. I think that Duke, by the end of the letter, started to lose all grip on reality. Everything after "Be informed that we are not mixing words here!!!" has the air of the last letter before they throw the switch.
8. This guy died in March 2004, and I'm only now getting my $3 million? Some benefactor.
