Colored Bracelets Are For Suckers; While We're At It, Let's Get Rid Of Those Magnetic Yellow Ribbons, Too

Because I grew up in Texas, I was one of the many who supported Lance Armstrong's repeated Tour de France victories. Although I didn't follow his career as closely as some, I still enjoyed seeing him do so well. It's the same as people in a city supporting their team, only on a state level.

So when the bracelets came out, I liked them. $1. Yellow. Rubber. Live Strong. All the money went to cancer research. They caught on quickly among youth, and were soon spotted everywhere; Kerry even brandished one on the campaign trail. Everybody had one because it was the thing to have, and although the desire to be considered trendy might not be the best motive for charity donations, all the bracelets still meant a lot of money for a good cause. If only Von Dutch had been so socially relevant.

But then, as often happens with trends, things went way too far. A variety of colored bracelets can now be purchased everywhere from the Internet to gas stations and convenience stores, with varying amounts benefiting actual causes. Camouflage bracelets, priced at $3, are being sold at 7-11 stores, but only $1 actually goes to support the troops. You can buy a $2 bracelet for tsunami relief, but only $1 goes to Southeast Asia. And, changing money right inside the temple, you can buy a whole host of products designed to display your support for any cause you like. How much goes to the actual cause? Who cares; you're stylin'.

It's just not possible to cover every cause with a bracelet: there aren't enough colors, and there aren't enough legitimate retailers more devoted to health care research than personal profits. Purple bracelets now represent causes like abused animals, foster children, battered women, people with Alzheimer's, and many more. Gray bracelets support brain cancer, lung cancer, diabetes, disabled children, mental illness, etc. There are too many worthwhile causes and not enough bracelets or arms in America.

But there's a bigger problem here than the lack of a color palette, one hinted at by 7-11's patriotic desire to support the troops with as small a percentage of their profits as possible. Americans are conspicuous consumers. We don't want our giving to be just worthwhile; we want to be noticed doing it. How many people wearing bracelets gave regularly to charity before, or will in the future? How many people with magnetic "Support the Troops" ribbons on their cars are actually concerned with financially supporting the troops? Chris Rock, hosting the Oscars Sunday night, asked for a round of applause for the troops in Iraq, and there couldn't have been a dumber place to pledge emotional support than in the Kodak Theatre surrounded by people netting -- netting -- millions per picture. This year's nominees, as have those in the past, received baskets of gifts backstage. Last year's baskets were valued around $12,000 each; multiply that by more than 100 nominees and you've got a hefty chunk of change that Hollywood could have sent to the troops they claim to support. After all, does a celebrity who gets so many things free each year really need another basket of gifts that could have provided better armor to the men and women being injured everyday?

But they never would have given up those baskets, baskets that most people don't know about. No, it was enough to say that this round of applause is for the fighting men and women in Iraq; now, back to the show. For a group of people supposedly out of touch with mainstream America, they sure do mirror our hypocritical giving habits well.

And so, I am hereby asking everyone in the country to take off their bracelets. Better yet, buy a yellow one and don't wear it. Your money will still go to a good cause, and you might actually feel good about giving to a charity without needing to be recognized for it.