Your Name Is Cooter, You Moron
August brings with it the theatrical release of The Dukes of Hazzard, based on the 1970s TV show about two good ol' boys who drive around all day with nothing to do, presumably because all the good, beatable women are taken. In probably the lamest grab for attention since, well, the original show, former TV star and two-term Congressman Ben Jones, known as the Dukes character "Cooter" to all you lonely people out there, has spoken out in the press and on his very own Web site about how true fans shouldn't see the new movie. The reason? It's too crass.
Now, I'll grant that the two leads for the film aren't top-drawer: honestly, the studio really couldn't do better than Stifler and the Jackass? This movie's going to be bad no matter what, Coot, not because it's too sexually blunt. After all, what was the original show if nothing but a chance for young boys to ogle Daisy Duke for an hour? Her outfits left so little to the imagination that her cutoffs, formerly called "whore's shorts" or "working girl's britches," were rechristened as "Daisy Dukes" in the pop-culture lexicon. Her legs launched boys across Arkansas into bow-legged, Skoal-chewing puberty during Reagan's first term. Casting Jessica Simpson in the role was truly inspired: she's the vapid blonde of choice for my generation.
Cooter, you're off-base when you blame "Hollywood" (and I'm using quotes around it just like you did, moron) for degrading what, in your Coors Light—addled mind, was a wholesome and nonsexual show. It's not like keeping single entendre out of the movie would have made it better; after all, we are talking about The Dukes of Hazzard. Movies based on old TV shows are tricky things to make anyway; only The Fugitive comes to mind as an example of a competent and enjoyable update. But, Coot ol' buddy, didn't you see the remakes of Bewitched or Starsky and Hutch? Bad originals make for bad movies. It's that simple.
The Cootman tips his hand on his Web site: "After all, our huge success for so many years is the reason they are making the film, and the film, after all, is about us." Wrong. The movie isn't about you, because you're an actor. It isn't even about the original show. It's about turning a buck with a recognizable brand name. After all, you don't see Antonio Fargas getting upset, do you? Face it, Cooter, this is the way the world works.
P.S. Coot: No one will take you seriously as long as your claim to "fame" is that you played a guy named Cooter. Honestly, please move on. Thanks.
