Dear Mr. President,
It's come to my attention that you've got another spot open on the Supreme Court, and this time you've nominated Harriet Miers to the post. Well, I'd just like to take a few moments and tell you that I'm the man for the job, not Miers.
"Wait just a hog-jumpin' minute," you're probably thinking, "this sounds awful familiar." And it should. I actually applied for a job with your organization a few months ago, but I never heard back from you. It's okay that you went with another candidate, but really, would a call thanking me for my resume and application have been that hard?
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I feel like I've got a decent shot here, because whereas Wolfowitz had relevant experience (no matter his failures) to the then-available World Bank job, Harriet Miers and I share something big: neither of us has ever been a judge. Some critics, even ones from your own party, might say that you're nominating Miers has more to do with her loyalty, or cronyism, than any actual proven ability to lead. Pshaw and harrumph, I say! It's not like there's a rule stating that in order to get a job a candidate must demonstrate skill in the area which the job will cover. You made it all the way to the Oval Office (remember, an oval is almost like a circle, but it's not) based on that argument alone.
So what makes me think I've got the edge on Miers? I read in one of those crazy commie liberal rags the other day that as your staff secretary, Miers was "known to correct spelling, grammar and even punctuation errors in memos" to your office. I am currently a copy editor at an industry trade paper here in L.A., and I was a journalism major in college.
Do I have to spell it out for you? That is, do I have to spell it out for you more than I normally do?
You're looking for someone with an eye for grammar errors and an easy approach to work. I know that, even though John Roberts won a boatload of spelling bees as a child, I could take that guy to town. Besides, he'll be too busy acting as Chief Justice and wondering whether he should bring back those gold bars on his sleeves to help you out with your obvious linguistic needs.
Anyway, since Dick Cheney is probably reading this to you, I should wrap things up. Here's hoping you pick me, Mr. President. I know I'd do, if not a good job, then at least one that could keep up with your administration.
Sincerely,
Daniel Carlson
P.S. Is it okay to wear shorts under that black robe? I mean, I'll be sitting behind a bench all day, so really, who cares? Let's negotiate. --DC
