The Right-Wing Agenda
6:00 a.m. Wake up.
6:30 a.m. Shower.
7:00 a.m. Breakfast: cereal, toast, bones of the underpriveleged and innocent, bacon.
7:30 a.m. Leave for work in car powered by despair of the intelligentsia.
8:00 a.m. Buy bagel from Kenny in the lobby. Ask Kenny if he is saved. Make note of confused look on his face. Maybe stone him? Save for department meeting.
9:00 a.m. Enter office. Resume schematic design for smaller, portable pipe bomb.
10:00 a.m. Coffee.
12:00 p.m. Lunch with the guys from accounting. Shake head in the negative when asked by bum on street for change. Cross street, turn back to bum and wave $50 bill in the air. Shout, "Maybe you should work for it!" Ride euphoric wave for the afternoon.
1:30 p.m. Return to office. Make phone calls to local abortion clinic to check on "hours of operation." Also place call to local NPR station and ask them what the weather's like in Hell. Continue to ride euphoric wave begun by taunting homeless man.
3:30 p.m. Office sex with secretary.
4:00 p.m. Shower in executive break room to cleanse stench of seamy office love. Call wife while on the john to ask about dinner.
4:02 p.m. Tell wife that chicken sounds bad. Wait out silence and use guilt trip to upgrade to steak.
5:00 p.m. Fire secretary.
6:00 p.m. Steak dinner at home with family. Wash dishes afterward to make up for adultery.
8:00 p.m. Tell 8-year-old son that his haircut looks kind of gay. Ignore resulting tears.
11:00 p.m. Kiss wife gruffly before rolling over to sleep.
11:15 p.m.-6:00 a.m. Sleep like a baby.
