Slowly Going Bald

"Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party, and you're gonna say it sucks, and we're all gonna leave and we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's someone who's more important she should be talking to, and it's like I'm supposed to be all happy 'cause she's wearing a backpack."

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Stupid Things I Said To The Screener While Passing Through Airport Security

Do you have any cough drops? The heroin balloon I swallowed is making my throat itch.

I can speak Farsi.

If I died today, I'd have no regrets.

I probably don't look like the profile, do I?

I've got a weird hair-dryer with a scope in my backpack. Don't let the X-ray spook you.

I can conceal a switchblade in my sandals.

I've been assigned the codename "Death Sword."

Do you think you could catch me if I ran? I'm spry for a big guy.

Things I Saw Over The Weekend

Immigrants stumbling toward the highway before collapsing on the shoulder (2)

Joints (2)

Breasts (3)

Trampled beer cans (10,000)

Hours of reality TV (3)

Wild, stray dogs (3)

Drunk guys named Lags (?) telling me that I seem pretty cool (1)

Hours of the glory that is Spanish TV (3)

Drunk guys playing frisbee on a balcony (1)

Fireworks merchants on the beach (1)

Drunk guys on the ground catching the frisbee (1)

A sign that said "Hay Queso" ("Here is cheese") (1)

8 Comments:

Man, sounded like your weekend rocked! Now, did you see three breasts or three pairs of breasts? Because that is an important difference.

By Kyle, at 3:56 PM, May 17, 2005

I have to concur with Lags. You do seem pretty cool, especially when I'm drunk.

By Cody, at 7:17 AM, May 18, 2005

Kyle: I've been advised by counsel to invoke my Fifth Amendment rights in regards to the subject of your question both at this time and at any future junction at which the subject might be broached.

Cody: I know.

By Dan Carlson, at 8:25 AM, May 18, 2005

Hi, Dan! Thanks for posting on my blog the other day. Of course I remember you. I put together your entire freaking bookshelf your freshman year when you moved into the dorm. Remember? And was one of the girls laying on your bed (at Clay Utley's request) when you first came into your room...It's the ACU difference, really. Older girls pretending to seduce younger guys. A good way to get you ready for the next four years of weird Christian sexual repression playing out in bizarre ways...

By jocelyn, at 12:33 PM, May 18, 2005

Things I actually said to my sister (she was wearing metal framed cast and got to bypass the metal detector) in the presence of airport security:

"quick take out the knife"

I was crazy when I was 12.

By Master Baron Von Tuckenstein the First Esquire, at 12:06 AM, May 19, 2005

Jocelyn: Yeah, thanks for putting that shelf together. My roommate and I were awed by your presence and your skill at handicrafts. We could have used a heads-up on the sexual repression, though. I'm not blaming you; I'm just saying, a warning would've been nice. Tell your ninja husband to email me. We should palaver.

Tucker: If it makes you feel better, I still think you're crazy. *Single, lonely tear.* Have fun playing soccer and mugging down with Cameron.

By Dan Carlson, at 11:06 AM, May 19, 2005

See earlier comment regarding my Fifth Amendment rights.

By Dan Carlson, at 12:29 PM, May 23, 2005

Just thought I'd let you know that "Hay Queso" means "There is Cheese," Not "Here is Cheese." Yes, I have nothing better to do than ready your blogs from almost four months ago. What a life.

By Anonymous, at 4:31 PM, August 24, 2005

: Name: Dan Carlson; Location: Houston, Texas, United States

View my complete profile

...a stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a stone, a leaf, a door. And of all the forgotten faces....

O waste of loss, in the hot mazes, lost, among bright stars on this most weary unbright cinder, lost! Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When?

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.

--Look Homeward, Angel

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.

--John Stuart Mill

We have all read in scientific books, and indeed, in all romances, the story of the man who has forgotten his name. This man walks about the streets and can see and appreciate everything; only he cannot remember who he is. Well, every man is that man in the story. Every man has forgotten who he is. One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego; the self is more distant than any star. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God; but thou shalt not know thyself. We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are. All that we call common sense and rationality and practicality and positivism only means that for certain dead levels of our life we forget that we have forgotten. All that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget.

--G.K. Chesterton

We were, for the briefest of moments, something greater than the sum of our uncertain parts; we were youth itself, in all its painful glory and sharp joy.

--August Van Zorn

There is a time in the lives of most writers when they are vulnerable, when the vivid dreams and ambitions of childhood seem to pale in the harsh sunlight of what we call the real world. In short, there's a time when things can go either way.

Film lovers are sick people.

--Francois Truffaut