Notes on Locusts, Last Night's CBS Movie Of The Week
People this attractive would never actually enter the sciences or public service. They'd be, you know, actors in crappy TV movies on CBS.
Commercial: Wow, Farrah Fawcett looks like hell. I know she was hot for 15 minutes in the '70s, but time and age have had their brutal way with her.
John Heard is the scientist who created the super-locusts out of boredom, only to be fired when people realized this was insane. Then the bugs get out. He later dies, as he has to, to karmically balance things and let the attractive characters survive. I think Heard is doing this as penance for Home Alone.
I know that Lucy Lawless and Nameless Handsome Male Lead will survive because they are attractive and because they wear jeans while others foolishly wear suits. Don't you know those wool pants won't save you, General Stereotypical Military Figure? You need to relax and get into some denim.
Commercial: Andie MacDowell and Rosie O'Donnell are starring in a TV movie that looks to be the sentimental schlockfest I've come to know and fear from CBS. It looks like something PAX would air. Rosie plays a retarded woman. Tears ensue. I'd care, if (1) an actor playing a retarded person was as challenging a role as we are led to believe, or (2) there's actually no way I could care. Sorry.
Apparently Lucy Lawless does not require any type of bra to fight locusts/crime/whatever she normally does. She also changes her outfit a lot for a scientist, leaving me to wonder if the traveling lab van they use has a Gap attached.
Commercial: The voice-over on the ad for Subway's new chicken parmigiana sandwich is using a pretty heavy Italian accent. Because when I want a taste of the old country, I head to Subway.
I could never make it as a screenwriter because I'm not willing to produce things like this. It'd be like going to med school and then being told to stop healing people and start injecting them with these dirty needles we found in the parking lot.
All is saved when two huge series of power lines are charged up and turned into giant bug zappers. How. Awesome.
CBS couldn't even nail the obligatory ambiguous ending. Eveything's okay. Lucy and Handsome Man get married after she gets knocked up, changing their daughter from a bastard to simply a mistimed accident, and all is once again hunky-dory. Lame.
